You know the problem with heaven?"
“You have to die to get there
You see the Lord adored me, he met me half way, no guts no glory I always say/ But until I reach what I came here to find, along with inner peace life will always be a grind.
I Took the last 3 posts off of my Facebook because this is way better than notes and I’m just gonna put stuff here from now on
So since I have to explain my whole situation VERY often I want to be able to direct people somewhere because it takes forever to tell.
I’m just gonna go ahead and write out my life story, also, don’t feel the need to express any sympathy/awwws, my life is actually pretty happy given all of the things that went down =D.
I spent my early childhood living upper-middle class, my dad owned his own roofing company (Northwind Shake and Shingle, you might remember them), my mom was stay at home, and we were pretty spoiled kids. Our house wasn’t massive but I loved it, and we had an acre of grass yard in the back/ all of the neighborhood friends a person could ask for. Up until about 4th grade I was living the good life, I suppose I was probably blissfully ignorant of the things that were going on around me due to my age, but I was happy, so who cares?
Then things went downhill. It’s hard to tell exactly what caused it because my dad has multiple stories but the most common thing that he says caused his business to fail was the economy crash after 9/11. over the next few months his business spiraled in to bankruptcy, and apparently it was taking my parents marriage with it. I remember my brother and I were supposed to be sleeping but we would have walkie talkies and talk about them arguing, good times (kinda).
So, it became apparent to Morgan and I that divorce was imminent and we were pretty ready when it happened, what we didn’t think about was where we would live. My mom won custody, but she had very little work experience and hadn’t made it through college, we couldn’t pay for our house and she seemed to dislike it anyways, bad memories I guess. but what we REALLY didn’t expect was that she was going to make us switch schools; we moved in to a 2 room apartment at Waterford (downtown woodinville) and went from Bear Creek Elem. to Woodin. This is interesting actually- on my first day at Woodin I met sam, so pretty much we’ve been best friends since the day we met.
Anyways, Morgan and I lived up the mediocre apartment we were in as much as possible, we figured the pool and hot tub and weightroom made it like a hotel, it was exciting for the first year or so. The fact of the matter was, we missed our old lives and our old friends, and hated where we were now.
Fast forward to 5th grade or so, we managed to move in to a bigger apartment and were working our way back up in life. By law we had to spend every weekend at my dad’s house, and one sunday when we got back we got hit with another problem. We found that all of our things were in the middle of the hall, and my mom came out of a different apartment. She said she couldn’t afford the one that we were paying for at the time and that she had to quit her jobs, (3 of them.) but why? She sat us down and broke the news, she had a level 2-3 cancer, Possibly fatal but more likely to just ruin your life.
The next year was a mix of trying to adapt to woodin and taking care of my mom, our home phone line got cut off because we didnt have any money and I pretty much disappeared all of 5th grade summer, my mom was taking pills and the typical cancer air was around my house. It was pretty gross, she tried to get a job but they promptly laid her off when they found out she was sick (fuck top foods.) Throughout this whole cancer situation, Jake/Joey Reed’s mom was sick with cancer as well, and they lived directly under us, with mikey gutierrez in the middle. We still had fun playing street football and being sketchy kids in general though.
around 7th grade my mom got the news that she was getting better and the cancer was in remission, but throughout the past couple years we had noticed that she would sneak drinks, and try to hide it from us, she had been to rehab probably twice in my life already.. .somewhere around 5 before that. 7th grade was pretty calm, throughout my whole life we had to deal with worrying about whether or not my dad would pay child support or whether we would make rent, but I was used to it by now. I was always fascinated how kids could live so stress free, not worry about finances food etc. We barely got by when my mom was sick even WITH food stamps. we were late on rent multiple times and got help from friends multiple times.
But for all of the bad, there was some good. While we were definitely scraping by, my mom was getting raises at her new job and we were clawing our way up the class scale. We finally got the money together to rent out a real house around 8th grade. It was bigger and nicer, and it was amazing to actually have a place to call home that wasnt an apartment. We still had to scrape together money for rent,food and bills, and we would have been in a more comfortable position if we stayed at the apartments, but it was a much happier place to live all in all. my mom would go to work early and come back around 1 in the morning, but we would always have friends over to spend the night and hang out, even on weekdays we could have 3 or 4 people staying with us. But my mom was drinking more and more, we all knew it, she would get home and go straight up stairs and she wouldn’t come down for the rest of the night, we figured it was her right as long as she could hold a job.
But she couldn’t. fast forward to 10th grade, 9th grade was probably the calmest year of my life, not much went on besides the “usual” stresses… which was still a lot but whatever. My mom was getting worse, missing work occasionally- eventually leading up to getting fired for being drunk at work. After that she had excuse to drink more and so- we lost our house, took her to the hospital 2 or 3 times and rehab twice. By then it was Summer and my brother and I were trying to stick together, we moved up with Tyler Kowalczik in Mukilteo for the duration of the summer and then moved in to my dads house. My dad’s ended up being catastrophic, we were more independent and grown up than he expected and tried to crack down on us going out and being free- we weren’t used to that and it all climaxed with a video of a bunch of us smoking Salvia (legal, yes. But he persisted that it was oxycontin) and so Morgan was kicked out, and I went with him- I hated my dad’s anyways. From there I lived at the Reed’s house through winter until Morgan moved off on his own due to certain incidents with work.
That’s how I got to be separated from my family, etc. Around February I moved in to Sam’s house and I’ve been here since then.
There are a few other things that are worth mentioning, number one being my dogs. Echo and Sabaka, I have not ONCE missed my parents more than I have missed my dogs, I would say Morgan feels the same way. Throughout the whole 10th grade incident our biggest concern after a place to live was our dogs. The threat of giving them up to a shelter was almost always looming over us, luckily that was fixed when we refused to move in with our Dad unless we could bring out dogs. They still currently live there and I honestly don’t know what I would have done without them. Sabaka was literally there for my mom every day when she was sick and we couldn’t be around due to school or some other event. and Echo was the same when we got her.
Now a disclaimer : Posting this has nothing to do with sympathy or trying to gain it. I just began to get tired of trying to tell the story over and over when people would ask me how I ended up where I am now. And yes, it sounds bad, but I don’t think I would have my life any other way, the experience will be very rewarding in the future. In fact- It already has been useful, the amount that I have changed and matured in the past year after being out in the world on my own is exponential. Also- Sorry if it’s a little choppy. It took a few weeks to write because I would get lazy.
A lot of this is some serious hippy/stoner talk hahaha
Have you ever sat back and just wondered why? Why are we ACTUALLY what we are, what are we supposed to do, whats our point? Is it even possible to be here and have no absolute purpose? On a purely animalistic level we are here to reproduce, but that is just a pointless cycle isn’t it? The fact of the matter is, we spend our whole lives preparing to have kids or some other form of family (marriage, etc.) and then support them using our education. Some people go out to make a difference, that’s true. but it’s usually making a difference by supporting more people, you could almost even count them as extended family. So many people believe that humans have some great purpose, that we are ultimately more special than all other life forms, but has anyone actually ever said exactly what that purpose is? It seems really blind to me, do we say things like that just for comfort, to feel special? Maybe it’s just human nature to assume we are special. 4-4-10
Pick your battles. I think one of the most important skills a person can have is the ability to tell who or what is worth fighting for and who or what isn’t. As far as people go, you should only really be willing to go as far for someone as they would for you. This is definitely linked to people who you know are fair weather friends, even if you don’t want them to be, they are. Don’t get stuck fighting for their friendship or affection, it’s not worth it. 4-8-10
why is open mindedness so difficult to find these days? It seems like so many people need to be correct just to feel like they are right. A little open mindedness goes a long way, I’m not saying that I haven’t had my closed minded moments, but it’s much more rewarding to listen to others opinions and thoughts and weigh them against your own, and then come to a conclusion based on what everybody thinks. This bothers me with politics in particular, so many people are either so far left or so far right that they will blindly agree with whatever their current party leader says to agree with, do a little research and come up with your own opinions. 4-8-10
The world works in weird ways. It seems like absolutely everything at least attempts to make equilibrium, and in the strangest ways. You lose one friend and suddenly you make a new one, you lose one pair of shoes just to find another. weird stuff. weiiiird stuff. 4-8
There will always be things that you’re naturally talented at, but that doesn’t mean they are things that you like. It becomes a huge decision in your life when you think about it,
you could do something that you absolutely love, however you may not hold that natural talent. Or you could do something that you dislike but happen to be incredibly good at, and be more successful. Of course there are exceptions, but certain people will at some point or another come up against a decision of what you love vs. what will create the most opportunities for you. Is it possible to be happy doing something you hate? yes, you will make more money, yes, you will most likely be more successful in general, but it’s a commonly held belief that money and success don’t necessarily mean happiness. I feel like i hold happiness over everything else, yet when you have a family to support in the future and you can’t only think about yourself, would it be considered selfish to do what makes you happy at the expense of support towards others? It’s so incredibly debatable, but I feel like i’ve managed to simplify life slightly. You are either going to make yourself happy or make those around you happy, or do both, but to do both it takes not only doing something you love but ALSO the support and love you give to others to be given back to you in someway, at least that’s how it feels right now. I feel like there are 2 types of people in the world though, those who want to be happy and those who want to make others happy. Would I consider it selfish to be the former? Definitely not, to me, being happy is what life is about, and i’m sure there are others that feel that way.
I’ve noticed (with myself and others) that people get caught up trying to make situations, circumstances, or just “things” in general better, maybe they screwed up at some point and they are in a situation that they are fighting to get out of, etc. I’ve also realized recently that the second you stop trying to make thing better is the second they start to get better. It doesn’t make much sense… I think it has something to do with (like i said before) knowing when to just say “fuck it” and move on.
I get really tired of pessimism. I mean, it’s ok to be a pessimist but it doesn’t mean you have to bring everyone else down with you. If you are pessimistic quit complaining to everyone! it’s depressing! and be optimistic anyways it’s better than self inflicted depression
I’m at a pretty stable point in my life nowadays, it’s a little unfamiliar. I’m used to stability not lasting, and if for whatever reason my life goes crazy again it’s not really gonna bother me anymore. I feel all empirical these days like I’ve been through pretty much everything (at least the bad stuff) that life has to offer, and I’m actually kind of excited to see what happens next, a little masochistic I know.
It’s strange if you look back and think about how much you’ve changed in one year. Especially in high school, i was a pretty quiet kid back in the day, my family always used to tell me “still waters run deep”, and that’s still true from time to time, but I’m much more out there these days. Have you ever heard of people who really “find” themselves in highschool? I’m pretty sure that’s the kind of person I am. I even look significantly different than I did a year ago, it’s almost strange, kind of leads me to my next thing;
I got to thinking about how it’s always said that people are products of their environment. Does that include physical state as well? If I had lived a different life maybe I would not only act different but I would look different as well. Every little thing I or anyone else has done in their lives has changed them in some way or another, whether it’s so minuscule that it’s unnoticeable or it’s a so large that it changes you completely. It’s just strange to think about how you could have turned out if you had made different choices or different things had happened. I in no way regret anything that’s happened in my life; mistakes made just make a person wiser and stronger, and I’m definitely not saying that I don’t like how I am now, actually I love the person I am these days, even if saying that is a little vane.
These are some musings/ponderings/reflections that i’ve had over the past months or so.
Some are more serious than others, most are separated by paragraphs except for the second one
It’s interesting to look back on recent events and write it all out. To think about not only the things that happened but why they happened and what you took from them. I’m doing this because typically before somebody goes to sleep at night, there’s a sort of session that involves thinking and reflection, I’d like to record them.
Revelations are interesting. Whenever you get one you just feel like you’ve been an idiot, or been in the dark, for your whole life leading up to it. I had a revelation a while back that I think about on a daily basis. I realized that for all the hype it gets, hope is worthless. This sounds absurd and dark but it’s really not too bad. What point does hope REALLY have other than comfort? and it’s like taking out a loan that you can’t pay back, in the end it just isn’t worth it. It took me a long while to explain this to Laura and Catherine and I found that an example works the best. Think if you were to say, have a terminally ill sibling or parent. They had mayyybe a 5% chance of living, and you hope that that slim chance will come true, and you continue to have hope that everything will work out in the end and your relative will recover and live a happy life. But 95% of the time that doesn’t happen, does it?
Through hope you convince yourself that that 5% WILL happen, and when it doesn’t everything is ripped right out from under you, and it just makes the loss that much worse because you weren’t expecting them to die.
So now take the same example, but imagine if you just accepted that they probably weren’t going to make it. What you expect can’t surprise you, it makes it easier to cope. You can accept the loss earlier and move on, and deal with less pain throughout the process. Not only that, but if the 5% were to come true and you hadn’t been banking on it, then it would be a pleasant surprise! I realize that the example is really extreme, but what about on a lesser scale? say… you are waiting for your food at a restaurant, you can sit around hoping that it comes soon and then be disappointed when it doesn’t, or you can just accept the fact that it could come at any time and be less disappointed when it come late. Does that make sense?
and that’s just one of the reasons that it’s pointless, hope also implies laziness. you can sit around hoping that you will someday end up happy or you could set a goal and KNOW that when you reach it you’ll find your happiness, or whatever else it is you’re looking for, I would rather know than hope.
You know, It’s strange to look back a year or so and think about how much your life has changed. During summer alone I moved between 3 places, lost my original house, met new people (some good some bad), stopped living with my brother, and learned to support myself. I know and enjoy the fact that my friends are basically my family, and that the only real family member I can actually rely on would be morgan, and at times my uncle. But I know that I can rely on most if not all of my friends, and I like that, a lot.
You see, I have this theory, due to my rough life leading up to now I believe that I had to grow up before the average kid. It has good sides and it has bad, I would rather just be a typical kid that doesn’t have to worry about anything except highschool drama, but I get to worry about stupid trivial highschool BS on top of more serious family and survival matters. It sucks right now but I have a feeling that in the future I’ll be more prepared than everyone else for real life, we’ll see.
****DON’T READ THIS IF YOU GET CRAZY OFFENDED AT THINGS FOR NO REASON****Why do I feel bad about this whole thing? I know that I am in the right, none of this was my fault, but I feel like I was the one that created the repercussions for everybody else.
So I got tired of getting used, or whatever. It was the intelligent decision to cut her out of my life, right? And I don’t regret that in the slightest, but I didn’t realize that I would be the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak. It’s like I developed such a strong support from all of my friends and they all followed me in what I did, which is awesome and I love my friends for it, but she and her best friend are not nearly as close as they used to be, and that is indirectly my fault. I’ve been told that it isn’t that she had changed, which does make sense considering the way her whole outlook and attitude changed over the 6 months or so that everything went on. And I was told that she was changing even before I ended things, Hell i even tried to bring it to her attention, like that worked =P. Oh well, it crosses my mind from time to time but i’m used to it now, maybe I did have some hand in how things turned out, but I don’t think I did anything wrong. ever. and I don’t think its anyone’s fault but her own.
I like nightmares. Crazy intense nightmares. Not only because I like to be terrified, but because it’s so great to wake up. If you wake up from a nightmare then you are just happy to be back in the normal world, everything seems so much better. And now think about the best dream you’ve ever had, how disappointing was it to wake up from that? How much did you want to go back to the dream world?
Everything comes to an end.
Do I hide things? People say I hide how I really feel. Yeah I like to act like a 5 year old some times, I like to make serious things laughable, but is that hiding? I don’t go around to random people telling them how I feel, that’s just weird..
Is it strange that after spending so many years acting like my dad was a friend that I don’t like it when he tries to turn himself back in to some kind of father figure?
Not only is he plain bad at parenting but like I said before, I find more family in my friends, and seeing my dad as a friend makes him more family. I enjoyed being able to go fishing and talk about getting in fights and just chill without that parental figure looming over the day, does that make sense?
Suicide is absolutely the most selfish thing a person could ever do. So a person is in pain and depressed and suicidal. Do they have any idea how terrible it is for everyone else when they kill themselves? The people the person leaves behind will have to deal with that weight for the rest of their lives, especially when it comes to high school. So you are unpopular, or whatever, I would bet that anyone who is suicidal at a young age would regret killing themselves by the time they hit 20. It’s just so terrible to see the people who are left behind.
It’s strange how much attachment humans feel to animals. I honestly miss the 2 dogs from my mom’s house more than almost anyone and anything. I think it’s because dogs always agree with you, and they are always there for comfort and support. Mans best friend is a well given term, to say the least.
(very recently) It’s incredibly humbling if you think about humans, we assume that we are going to go “somewhere” else after we die. But the truth is, we are made out of the exact same thing that a rock is made out of, but we are combined differently. So why is it that we assume that a rock isn’t going to go to heaven and we are? We’re all chemicals and compounds, and that’s just one of the sad truths of life. I’m not saying that there isn’t anything after life, maybe there is, but why is it that we are so sure of it?
I think that all humans subconsciously listen to music that somehow relates to the events going on in their life. Take a minute to think about why you’re listening to what you’re listening to and you’ll notice it, its kind of cool.
I try not to get angry, ever. Anger can help sometimes to just blow of some steam, but I heard a quote once, “In a few days you’re going to look back at how angry and serious you’re being right now and laugh” or something like that, and it’s true. People get angry about the stupidest things. People need to relax and pick their battles. Anger has it’s place in the world, but seriously save it for something important or something that actually matters.
"Goose bumps are really weird, they are so tiny, and there are so many of them" - Catherine
I’m lazy. And I try to be fat but I can’t gain weight, So im lazy and fat in spirit. And it’s awesome and enjoyable. You should try it. It’s wayyy better than being active.
These reflections and musings were actually kind of entertaining and interesting to write. I think we overlook our own thoughts a lot of the time, I like to try and figure out why I’m thinking what I’m thinking, and writing thoughts out like this actually helps. This is kind of a collaboration of a few months worth of thoughts that I can remember, I find that I think the most before I fall asleep or when I’m in the shower. weird.